Time Machine? I wish...

Today I realized that I have only four days oh high school left. Today was my last Monday as a high school student. Being a senior is so strange. They tell us that we have to go to things like graduation practice and Last Will and Testament. We had to write Remember When's. Now is the time for us to decide what we want to do in the future. I've applied to college and I've been accepted. But now that it's time to go, I realize that I'm poor and I didn't get enough scholarships to go to the school I want to attend. My parents have recently decided that they weren't going to help me pay. Maybe that's not accurate. They've spent my whole life lying about sending me to college. They always knew that they were going to make me pay for it myself. So I guess I'll be attending community college with all of my friends next year. That won't be so bad. 

Also with adulthood comes the need to learn the difference in the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do. The right thing to say and the wrong way to think. I need to learn how to distance myself from things and people that I shouldn't be around. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to learn how to recognize what is good for me. When someone doesn't want you, learn to accept that you aren't right for them. If you aren't right for them, they aren't right for you. All I can think about is this quote that says you'll never get over the first person you fall in love with. I tried really hard to hate this person, but it didn't work. So I tried to be friends with him, but I wanted more than that. Now... all I know is that I'll never stop wanting him. I may grow up and marry someone and have twelve kids, but I'll always miss my old relationship with him. Ugh, nostalgia is a bitch.

What am I going to do with my life? I want to concentrate on my future, but all I can think about is my past. I think about if I had a time machine and I could go back as far as I wanted I would go back to September 24, 2010. I would wear a better shirt to the fair and I wouldn't have been so quiet and awkward. Then I would do one of two things. 

• Option number one: I wouldn't have gone to Books-A-Million the next day. I wouldn't have texted him that night. I never would have spoken to him again. 
• Option number two: I wouldn't have kissed him and ran away. I would've really kissed him; the kind of first kiss that most girls dream about. I would completely start our entire relationship over and I would have done it right. I wouldn't have let it end and I wouldn't be this confused now.

But there is no time machine and I am confused. One day, I will figure out what my future will consist of. Maybe the boy I want and the career I want. Maybe no career and no boy. Maybe no boy and the career I want. Or maybe I will live in my car for the rest of my life. The truth is, I don't know what I'll be doing or where I'll be or who I'll be with six months from now. All I know is where I would like to be and what I'd like to be doing and who I'd like to be with. But as the Rolling Stones said, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need."