Five Things I Will Never Understand

There are a few things in life that I will never understand no matter how hard I try. I'm not talking about things like how electricity works or how Facebook makes money without charging people to use it. I mean things that people I know do. Even I do some of these things and I don't know why. I guess I don't mean people I know, either. Okay, people in general do these things and I don't understand why. That's better. 

Number 1. I'll never understand why couples break up and get back together. I've done this. My ex and I broke up like 37 and a half times and we kept getting back together. It's not like I thought everything was fixed a week after we broke up... so why would I get back with him? Honestly, people. If you break up once, it's not going to work. There was a reason for that break up and you should just accept it and leave it alone. Most breakups end badly; usually the separated couple will trash talk each other really hard. So why do they get back together? I just don't get it, but that's just me. If someone wants to get back with the person who hurt them just to get hurt again, that's their business.

Number 2. I'll never understand the need to be right about everything. On more than one occasion I have argued with my friends because I think I'm right and someone else thinks they're right. I don't really see why it matters. If you're wrong just admit that you're wrong. And even if you're right, there's no need to rub it in someones face. Just let it go because it's not like anyone really cares. Honestly, if two people are fighting over being right, the person who wins shouldn't make the other person feel bad about themselves. I'm sure I've been mean to someone after winning an argument, but that doesn't mean that I think it's okay. I don't. It's not okay to make someone feel terrible just because you were right and they were wrong about something as simple as a shirt logo.

Number 3. I'll never understand why people want to hurt someone else's feelings. I'm not going to stereotype this, but it's usually people who think they're better than everyone else. If they're so much better than everyone, why not act like the better person and be nice. When I think of someone as being better than me, I imagine someone who is nice to everyone all the time and helps whoever needs it. But these people will just say the meanest things to people for no reason. If I ever hurt someone else's feelings for no reason, I feel absolutely awful about it to the point where I make myself sick. I know that I've probably hurt some people's feelings in my lifetime, and if I have I am truly sorry, but just because I've done it doesn't make it anymore okay. It doesn't make you cool, it makes you a terrible person.

Number 4. I'll never understand why people will let other people run over them. I will do anything for someone who needs help, but if it ever gets to the point where they don't need help and they just want me to do everything for them, that's where I draw the line. That point is where I label a person as a piece of crap in my mind. There is no reason to just let people cater to your needs when you don't really need help. No one really knows the problems that the people around them face, so why do people act like their problems are bigger and they need more help? How do they know that the person they're running over isn't going through something way worse? I applaud the people who help others, but I think they should set limits. I think they should stop helping people the minute they don't need it anymore so they won't end up getting run over by someone too lazy to help themselves.

Number 5. I'll never understand the need for drama. I honestly couldn't care less about whose dating who and why that person's best friend is mad about it. I don't care whose pregnant and I don't care who came out. If it's none of my business, I don't care. More people should have that mindset. If no one cared, no one would fight. It's not like it really matters in the end, so why do people make such big deals out of small things? I can't remember the last times that I was actually a part of something dramatic. I'd rather stay away from anything confrontational. Not because I'm scared, but because I find it pointless. Those people who turn everything into drama just need to shut up and leave stuff alone. It doesn't matter if someone is dating your ex boyfriend or if your best friend said something about you when you weren't around. You're just wasting your time. In the end, the only thing you'll get is more wrinkles.

That's just five things that I don't understand. I'm pretty dumb so there's a ton of other things that I don't understand. Maybe other people have logical explanations for these things, but I just can't come up with any for myself. Maybe it's because I have no friends; therefore, I have nothing to understand.

Time Machine? I wish...

Today I realized that I have only four days oh high school left. Today was my last Monday as a high school student. Being a senior is so strange. They tell us that we have to go to things like graduation practice and Last Will and Testament. We had to write Remember When's. Now is the time for us to decide what we want to do in the future. I've applied to college and I've been accepted. But now that it's time to go, I realize that I'm poor and I didn't get enough scholarships to go to the school I want to attend. My parents have recently decided that they weren't going to help me pay. Maybe that's not accurate. They've spent my whole life lying about sending me to college. They always knew that they were going to make me pay for it myself. So I guess I'll be attending community college with all of my friends next year. That won't be so bad. 

Also with adulthood comes the need to learn the difference in the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do. The right thing to say and the wrong way to think. I need to learn how to distance myself from things and people that I shouldn't be around. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to learn how to recognize what is good for me. When someone doesn't want you, learn to accept that you aren't right for them. If you aren't right for them, they aren't right for you. All I can think about is this quote that says you'll never get over the first person you fall in love with. I tried really hard to hate this person, but it didn't work. So I tried to be friends with him, but I wanted more than that. Now... all I know is that I'll never stop wanting him. I may grow up and marry someone and have twelve kids, but I'll always miss my old relationship with him. Ugh, nostalgia is a bitch.

What am I going to do with my life? I want to concentrate on my future, but all I can think about is my past. I think about if I had a time machine and I could go back as far as I wanted I would go back to September 24, 2010. I would wear a better shirt to the fair and I wouldn't have been so quiet and awkward. Then I would do one of two things. 

• Option number one: I wouldn't have gone to Books-A-Million the next day. I wouldn't have texted him that night. I never would have spoken to him again. 
• Option number two: I wouldn't have kissed him and ran away. I would've really kissed him; the kind of first kiss that most girls dream about. I would completely start our entire relationship over and I would have done it right. I wouldn't have let it end and I wouldn't be this confused now.

But there is no time machine and I am confused. One day, I will figure out what my future will consist of. Maybe the boy I want and the career I want. Maybe no career and no boy. Maybe no boy and the career I want. Or maybe I will live in my car for the rest of my life. The truth is, I don't know what I'll be doing or where I'll be or who I'll be with six months from now. All I know is where I would like to be and what I'd like to be doing and who I'd like to be with. But as the Rolling Stones said, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need."

Just Another Rant.

It's okay if no one reads this. No one reads this blog anyway. Well... I'm continuing to screw myself up. I ranted for so long about how I was never going to talk to a certain someone again. But then he texts me and I meet him and I miss him. And because of those things, I meet him again. What is wrong with me? I mean the boy hurt me. Like, really hurt me. And I just all of the sudden forget that anything happened?

Does everyone of the female variety have these same problems? I have to wonder if I am the only girl who really wants to become friends with the boy who broke my heart. Does anyone ever forget their first love like they say they will? Another question: Do girls ever believe what their ex says when he texts them six months after their break up? Am I supposed to believe anything he says? I trusted him for so long and it all got thrown in my face. Am I supposed to forget about that?

I'm more confused now than I was when we were actually together. Just think if we actually did get back together. I've worked really hard to change the way I act toward people. I feel like I used to be the worst girlfriend ever and then we broke up and then I changed. And what if I turn back into that person?!

He says we have to work on being friends first. I totally get that and he's right. We would definitely have to be friends. Problem: My friends and family don't like him, and I'm pretty sure his hate me, too. And I know that shouldn't bother me, but I don't want to disappoint anyone. I've sworn off of him, and now he's back.

So... Imaginary blog readers. Am I crazy, or am I just turning this into a bigger deal than it has to be? Am I paranoid? Stupid? Or am I, by any chance, right in saying that getting back together is a bad idea? Or is it a great idea because I miss him? Every time I see a boy my automatic reaction is to compare them to my ex. I can't find anyone who I think I'd rather be with. So maybe... It will all be okay? I hope so.

*Small not to the guy this is about: Sorry if you think I'm crazy. And I'm sorry if this makes you mad. It's not intended to make you angry. Even though I can't understand everything I'm thinking, I do want to be friends. I think that is a good idea, even if it was yours. (that was a joke, by the way.)

College?

So, I'm in the middle of what people call "getting into college" and I'm so tired of it. I mean, first you have to apply to get in, then you have to wait a few weeks for a letter. Then let's say you actually get in. Now you have to apply for scholarships. Well, if you have a guidance counselor like mine, he won't send in the right transcript with your scholarship forms. You applied in December, and you still haven't gotten a letter in February. So you call the admissions office and the college that you applied to and they tell you that they didn't get your official ACT scores, so to be eligible for this scholarship you have to pay to have ACT send your scores to the school. If you're like me, you don't have the money to go to college without scholarships, so you try to apply for more. You ask some people to write some letters or recommendation for you, but they take a long time to do it. Then, a month after you get the real ACT scores sent, you finally get a letter! And it says you got the Presidential Scholarship for 3,500 dollars! That's great and everything, but the voice in the back of your head is saying, "Don't get too excited. It's going to take at least 14,000 more just to get through your first year." You only have 30 days to accept or decline your scholarship, but you're still not sure if you can even go. You have to think about housing, meal plans, and everything else you'll need down there. Think about haircuts, clothes, gas, tires, entertainment. It's going to cost a lot of money just to live there without the college expenses. Looks like you're going to be eating a lot of hot pockets and Ramen noodles, right? So now that you've decided you can go, you need to apply for housing and just hope that there is a room you can live in. Then you need to sign up for orientation so you can register for your "perfect schedule." Finally you need to actually grow the balls to move out of your momma's house and go to school five hours away. Remind yourself that you can do it, and go. Do everything you can to make some sort of career for yourself. Make sure that you can do something that will make you happy every day of your life. Remember that somehow you'll go to college. You'll get to your goal someday!

If you couldn't tell, all of this was about me and my journey to get into college. I've applied, been accepted, applied for a scholarship, and received it! Now I have to retake my ACT because if my score goes up, my scholarship goes up. I also have to get all of the letters I asked people to write and send in all my other scholarships. I need to apply for housing, sign up for orientation, and sign up for a meal plan. College is tough, but I think it might be tougher to get in.If anyone reads this whose trying to get into college, stay positive. Don't get down on yourself because it'll all work out somehow. I'm not saying that you'll get into college without trying, because you won't. I'm telling you to keep going when there's an obstacle. Don't ever give up on your dreams. 

And as an after thought: watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Actually, read the book first. The movie left out some of the most important parts... But it's still an amazing move. I'm just sayin'.