Take a Walk?

I think I'll take a walk; try to clear my head while I still have a head to clear. Sometimes I think I'm going to implode. Ya know, people aren't disposable. You can't just have them when it's convenient and then throw them away when you're done. We're not trash. I don't know what else to say about that, but it's kind of self explanatory. How hard is it to treat someone the way that you would want to be treated? When I was in the second grade, Mrs. Cupp made the whole class recite the Golden Rule right after the Pledge of Allegiance each morning. I don't think that I've got the balls to treat someone like they mean nothing. Especially not someone I "love".But love obviously doesn't mean anything anymore.

L-O-V-E. Four letter word meant to show someone how much they mean to you. Now it means absolutely nothing... What is wrong with our generation? We act like love comes when a really hot guy says hey to you. We also act like it happens over night. Well, it doesn't. It takes a long time to realize that you're in love with someone and an even longer time to realize what that means. So why do we act like it's nothing? I look at my parents and see that they weren't in love at all. But now when I see my mom with her husband, I realize what love is supposed to look like. You're supposed to have conversations, tolerate the others favorite tv shows, support each others dreams.

I see now that this is the reason that my relationship had to end. At first I thought I could change and so could he. I thought we had changed. But now I see that we shouldn't have to change. We should have learned to accept the other's differences. I mean, how hard is that? I think I could have learned to accept his goals, but I feel like he never could have accepted mine. We had already talked about what he wanted to do with his life and I had told him that I thought it was a great plan. But I guess he didn't think I meant it. But it's okay because now we can both move on to bigger and better futures. Maybe we were just holding each other back. Maybe this is actually a good thing. Just because something hurts doesn't mean it's wrong. 

I think my biggest problem is the fact that I can't talk about it with other people. I can't confront the way I feel about things. I just keep it to myself and one day it's going to kill me. The worst part is that my parents ask me about him all the time! I don't have the courage to tell them that we broke up. I don't know how to tell them to cancel the plans we made for him or anything. I don't know what to say! I'm scared to tell them because I'm afraid of what they'll say. "Wow, Kris. You screwed up again, huh?" Or my dad, "Guess you weren't good enough, were ya?"I can't take it. And I really can't take the pity looks or the, "I'm so sorry. I know how much you loved him?" I don't really feel sad about any of this. I guess I'm more mad at myself for letting this happen. This is the reason I never wanted to get serious about anyone before. Now I've spent two years with someone who ended up changing his mind about me. But, there's nothing I can do about it now, right? Nothing but get over it and focus on my school work. And try to think about other things.

I promise, I'l try not to post any more depressing blogs.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.

So, we're all well aware that I've been having boyfriend issues lately. So here's another one. Why is he such an asshole?! A few months ago, he would text me every three seconds. It would make me so mad! I've told him so many times that sometimes I just get busy and I can't text. But recently, it's him. He's the one who won't text back. He'll start a conversation and then just stop in the middle of it. He won't text for hours, so I'll text and say something like, "Goodnight." But then he'll text back saying he was "busy." If he was busy, wouldn't he text me as soon as he was finished with whatever he was doing? He's reminding me of one of my old friends so much! Maybe they should be together! I mean, I understand that he's at training, but you can always just say that you have to go. I've changed. I say when I have to go now.

I think that the only reason this bothers me is I really don't trust him. And I know that sounds awful, but really! When has he ever showed me that I could trust him. Every time I've ever told him a secret, he's told someone. Every time I mess up, he tells his parents. And both times we've gotten in a fight and broke up, he's hoked up with someone else to make me jealous. Who does that?! I would love to be able to trust him, but I'm tired of lying to myself. He always tell me that trust is a big issue in our relationship, but it's because I can't trust him. And even though I've never done anything to lose his trust, he's never trusted me. Ever. I just don't understand him!

Also, he says communication is a big problem that we have... HE WON'T TEXT ME!!! Of course communication is a problem! I can't tell him anything without being laughed at or judged, so why do I even want to talk to him so bad? Why am I so desperate to see him in 13 days if he won't even talk to me? Why should I even want to talk to him after hurting me so bad? What the hell is wrong with me? 

How is it fair that I'm supposed to just forget every time that he does something to hurt me, but when I mess up once he holds it over my head. Like he has to remind me of how much I screwed up! But really, he screwed up more than I did. So why do I have to be reminded of it all the time when I try to let him forget? Ugh, I don't understand this kid at all. 

I guess the real question is: does he actually love me, or is this just an abandonment issue? I have my opinion. . . But I'll keep that to myself. 

If you love someone, tell them how you feel.

Three words. Eight letters. Possibly the hardest phrase you will ever utter. Once they are said, they cannot be unsaid. They've been put out there, all you can do is continue to show that special person your love. Once it's felt, it cannot be unfelt. The feeling of true love is the one in which we all desire. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to know the feeling of being loved by the one person who you love in return. It's a feeling like no other. Trust me; I know. 

Some say distance makes the heart grow fonder. Well, to the ones who say so: Why do you say so? My "boyfriend" has been away from me for three and a half months, and I can't help but feel that he hates me. At first, he wrote letters. The first time I got a letter from him... Wow. My step dad came upstairs and held it out in front of him to show me a prize that I had won. I screamed so loud, my ears rang for days. I was so excited for that one letter. Then, he texted me! I got the text at school. I grabbed my best friend and showed her a text that only said "hey" from a strange number. But... we knew it was him. She was so excited for me that she jumped in a circle with me. In the middle of the school hall! Now... Texts don't come so much. And when they do, they're vague. What did I do? He asked me to wait, so I waited. He asked me to make him the promise of forever, so I promised. I tried to change for him, but I'm too me to be someone else. I can't help that, though! He says that we'll be fixed when he comes home, but we won't.

I'm too insecure, I get it. I'm shy, scared, and awkward. I can't do anything about that. He expects me to be the bravest of warriors, but I'm afraid to go into battle. I think that I'm ugly and fat and I'll always compare myself to other girls. I'll always feel like I'm competing with everyone around me. He thinks that he can change that. He can't.

He can't give me a straight answer. He doesn't think that I deserve a conversation. At least, he acts like I deserve nothing of the sort. He acts like the past three months have not been the most miserable of my entire life. Maybe that's a little dramatic, but it's true. 

All I ask for is a simple answer. Is it that hard to say? I've worked so hard to be the girl that he wants, so why don't I deserve a simple answer. Why should I just take being treated like this if I know that I don't deserve it? Why should I need to ask who this girl is and what she means? Why should she even exist? Shouldn't I be the one who gets the thoughts I crave? I just want the one that I think about, to think about me. I know I seem like a heartless, soulless person - or should I say "Raging Bitch?" - but I do have feelings. They get hurt just as easily as everyone else's. And they're hurt pretty badly right now. Sometimes he acts like I'm the most important person out there. Other times, I don't even exist. 

"The greatest pleasure in life if to love, and be loved in return." The person who said this was right. It is a pleasure. But every pleasure has a downfall. Cake makes you fat, books end. And boyfriends change their minds about you. I understand that his mind may or may not have changed about me. But my mind hasn't changed. I've waited. I've cried. I've planned. But I did not expect this to happen. Maybe he is right. Maybe we will fix us. But maybe we won't. But even if we can't fix our relationship, we deserve answers. Truthful, real answers.

Three words, eight letters. I can think of three combinations. Two good; one bad. 

I love you

I miss you

I hate you

So what's it going to be? I know how I feel. But How does he feel? Maybe he'll read this, maybe he won't. Either way, I hope he makes up his mind soon. I've never been good at guessing games. 

*Ryan: Love is only a four letter word. If you love me, tell me. Give me a real answer when I ask you questions. If you don't love me, I deserve to know. I'll understand if you've changed your mind about me. I wouldn't have given me this long. Just be real with me. Don't play me. I've supported you, and loved you, and been totally here for you just like you asked. I at least deserve a real conversation with you. Not the vague messages I've been getting. Remember that when you read this. Forever and always? I've lived this last three months thinking of that promise. Just, remember that.