Some say distance makes the heart grow fonder. Well, to the ones who say so: Why do you say so? My "boyfriend" has been away from me for three and a half months, and I can't help but feel that he hates me. At first, he wrote letters. The first time I got a letter from him... Wow. My step dad came upstairs and held it out in front of him to show me a prize that I had won. I screamed so loud, my ears rang for days. I was so excited for that one letter. Then, he texted me! I got the text at school. I grabbed my best friend and showed her a text that only said "hey" from a strange number. But... we knew it was him. She was so excited for me that she jumped in a circle with me. In the middle of the school hall! Now... Texts don't come so much. And when they do, they're vague. What did I do? He asked me to wait, so I waited. He asked me to make him the promise of forever, so I promised. I tried to change for him, but I'm too me to be someone else. I can't help that, though! He says that we'll be fixed when he comes home, but we won't.
I'm too insecure, I get it. I'm shy, scared, and awkward. I can't do anything about that. He expects me to be the bravest of warriors, but I'm afraid to go into battle. I think that I'm ugly and fat and I'll always compare myself to other girls. I'll always feel like I'm competing with everyone around me. He thinks that he can change that. He can't.
He can't give me a straight answer. He doesn't think that I deserve a conversation. At least, he acts like I deserve nothing of the sort. He acts like the past three months have not been the most miserable of my entire life. Maybe that's a little dramatic, but it's true.
All I ask for is a simple answer. Is it that hard to say? I've worked so hard to be the girl that he wants, so why don't I deserve a simple answer. Why should I just take being treated like this if I know that I don't deserve it? Why should I need to ask who this girl is and what she means? Why should she even exist? Shouldn't I be the one who gets the thoughts I crave? I just want the one that I think about, to think about me. I know I seem like a heartless, soulless person - or should I say "Raging Bitch?" - but I do have feelings. They get hurt just as easily as everyone else's. And they're hurt pretty badly right now. Sometimes he acts like I'm the most important person out there. Other times, I don't even exist.
"The greatest pleasure in life if to love, and be loved in return." The person who said this was right. It is a pleasure. But every pleasure has a downfall. Cake makes you fat, books end. And boyfriends change their minds about you. I understand that his mind may or may not have changed about me. But my mind hasn't changed. I've waited. I've cried. I've planned. But I did not expect this to happen. Maybe he is right. Maybe we will fix us. But maybe we won't. But even if we can't fix our relationship, we deserve answers. Truthful, real answers.
Three words, eight letters. I can think of three combinations. Two good; one bad.
I love you
I miss you
I hate you
So what's it going to be? I know how I feel. But How does he feel? Maybe he'll read this, maybe he won't. Either way, I hope he makes up his mind soon. I've never been good at guessing games.
*Ryan: Love is only a four letter word. If you love me, tell me. Give me a real answer when I ask you questions. If you don't love me, I deserve to know. I'll understand if you've changed your mind about me. I wouldn't have given me this long. Just be real with me. Don't play me. I've supported you, and loved you, and been totally here for you just like you asked. I at least deserve a real conversation with you. Not the vague messages I've been getting. Remember that when you read this. Forever and always? I've lived this last three months thinking of that promise. Just, remember that.
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